The three things your job is supposed to give you

Originally shared in Tuesday Notes on November 3, 2026.

Most of us can tell when a workplace is draining us. What’s harder is saying why. “Toxic” has become one of those overused words and overused words are hard to act upon.

Self-determination theory gives a more precise answer. Psychologists at the University of Rochester have spent decades studying what people need to feel motivated and well. They keep landing on three basic psychological needs.

• Autonomy: feeling you have some say in what you do and how you do it. Not total freedom, just the sense that your choices are yours

• Competence: feeling capable and effective, that your effort leads somewhere and your skills are being used

• Relatedness: feeling connected to the people around you, and that someone would notice if you weren’t there

When work meets these needs, people tend to be more engaged, more energised and more resilient. When it doesn’t, the effects follow them home. You replay a meeting in the shower, snap at your partner over something small or cancel on a friend because you have nothing left to give. The Sunday scaries starts creeping in on Saturday afternoon.

But here’s the part I find most interesting. Later research found it’s not just about a need being unmet. When a workplace actively works against these needs, people end up far more exhausted and low than when something is simply missing. Think of being controlled, made to feel incompetent or left out. A boring job leaves you flat. A controlling one wears you down.

A boring job leaves you flat. A controlling one wears you down.

That’s why the problem often isn’t the work itself, but how it’s managed. A micromanager can hit all three at once. Decisions get taken out of your hands, your work is redone or second-guessed, and nobody feels safe enough to really connect.

So here’s a quick diagnostic. As you read these, notice which one hits hardest:

• Autonomy: Do I have any real say over how I do my work?

• Competence: Do I end most weeks feeling capable or feeling like I’m always falling short?

• Relatedness: Is there at least one person at work I’d genuinely miss?

Usually one stands out. That’s the one worth paying attention to, because it tells you what to protect, what to ask for, or what to go looking for elsewhere.

For me, it was autonomy and competence. Amongst other things, I started to have less and less say over how I did my work and the skills and know-how I’d built up over the years weren’t being used. Realising that helped me understand why I felt so drained, even on days when nothing in particular went wrong.

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Tuesday Brain Snack 🧠

Why do weekends feel so good? It isn’t only the rest. In a 2010 study, researchers at the University of Rochester tracked working adults’ moods across the week. People did feel better on weekends and it came down to two things: they felt more in control of their time and more connected to the people around them. So it wasn’t really about time off. It was about choice and good company. Which makes me wonder what it would take to bring a little weekend into a Wednesday.

Which of the three is most missing at your work right now?

Big hug, Claudia ✨